Painfully Tripping, and other adventures
by Someone Who Isn't Me
Summary: A series of random oneshots about Star Wars. Total crackfic and not much of a plot! I am making it with the help of the Bad Fanfiction Generator  /drabbles/ .
1. Painfully Tripping

**Painfully Tripping**

Anakin tripped along sarcastically. He was on his way to meet his lover, Padmé, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a dragon hopping along, carrying a lightsaber in its mouth.

Anakin was almost in a bank of lava when he came across a dark cake, lying alone on a heroic plate. "That must be a treat from my fiery bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked evil, so he ate it.

It gave him the most serene tingling sensation in his hand. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Padmé.

When Padmé came out to meet him, she took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Anakin cried suddenly.

"Your penis! And your severed hand!" Padmé said. "They're agonizing! Can't you feel it?"

Anakin felt his penis and his severed hand. They were indeed quite agonizing. "Oh, no!" Anakin said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that dark cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Padmé said. "I got you a Jedi. It must have been that harsh man who lives nearby. He acts a little evilly, ever since he killed a Sith."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Anakin sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Padmé said lovingly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your penis is really beautiful like that."

"Really?" Anakin dried her tears. Anakin kissed Padmé and it was an entirely angelic sensation, like a Nerf Herder.

They spent the night having entirely angelic sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.


	2. To Lovingly Kill

**To Lovingly Kill**

Anakin and Padmé were celebrating an agonizing Valentine's Day together. Anakin had cooked a dark dinner and they ate in a bank of lava by candlelight.

"My darling," Padmé said, stroking Anakin's hand, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Anakin. "It is but a harsh token of my fiery love."

Anakin opened the box. Inside was a heroic Sith! He gazed at it suddenly. Then he gazed at Padmé suddenly. "It's serene," Anakin said. "Come here and let me kill you."

Just then, a beautiful crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a Nerf Herder. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in an evil voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Padmé read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other sarcastically as the crone cackled some more. Anakin's severed hand began to tremble. Then Padmé shrugged, pulled out a Jedi, and hit the crone on her penis. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Anakin said and kissed Padmé lovingly. "This is an angelic Valentine's Day!"

They evilly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they killed each other all night long.


	3. The Wookie Prince

AN: Not that anyone cares or anything, because this fanfic is totally nonsensical, but this chapter takes place 10 YEARS LATER, after Anakin has become Darth Vader.

**The Wookie Prince**

Darth Vader was walking through a regretful meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a stupid little Wookie lying under a tree.

Darth Vader skipped over to see the dear thing and was shadowed to find that he was hurt! A lightsaber had pierced his sickening little nose and he whimpered sexually with the pain.

"My innocent little friend," Darth Vader said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the lightsaber, as idiotically as he could. The Wookie cried out and Darth Vader's heart ached, like a bat out of Hell. "You'll be all right," Darth Vader whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Luke Skywalker and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Luke Skywalker up in his arms, Darth Vader carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Darth Vader nursed Luke Skywalker, cleaning his nose and feeding him Planet-brand Wookie chow.

On the eighth night, Luke Skywalker climbed into bed with Darth Vader. He burrowed under the covers and slowly kissed Darth Vader's armor. It made Darth Vader giggle and he cuddled close to Luke Skywalker, stroking his hand and singing evilly to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Darth Vader hurried home so he could curl up with Luke Skywalker. It gave him a nerdy feeling whenever Luke Skywalker kissed his armor.

Then one night, Luke Skywalker looked up at Darth Vader and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a phallic prince."

Darth Vader screamed darkly, he was so surprised. How could a Wookie talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Luke Skywalker said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Darth Vader said and kissed Luke Skywalker on his hand. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a phallic prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Luke Skywalker," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Darth Vader said.

"See?" Luke Skywalker said and showed Darth Vader the scar from the lightsaber on his nose. Then he kissed Darth Vader and they tumbled in a galaxy far far away and did a lot of very blond things, some of them involving an evil spaceship.

"I love you," Luke Skywalker said when they were done. Darth Vader clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Luke Skywalker had stashed away.

And if Luke Skywalker didn't know about Darth Vader's visits to the Wookie sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.


	4. Santa Claus

A/N: This is a combination of teh Bad Fanfiction Generator and my own work. Totally ridiculous. It's a good thing I don't take myself too seriously!

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><p><strong>I Saw Darth Vader Kissing Santa Claus<strong>

Obi-Wan Kenobi woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one sparkly box that looked like a X-Wing fighter.

Then Obi-Wan Kenobi noticed that Darth Vader was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Obi-Wan Kenobi thought that he would surprise Darth Vader. Maybe even sneak up behind him and fornicate with him. That always made Darth Vader feel erotic.

Obi-Wan Kenobi crept down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its ridiculous lights, and the presents in a heap, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Darth Vader. Kissing someone.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was so angry, he picked up a control panel from a table and threw it at the lovebirds.

They both looked around.

"Darth Vader, you foul Ewok!" Obi-Wan Kenobi yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Obi-Wan Kenobi looked and then rubbed his eyes and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Darth Vader said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a beautiful kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Obi-Wan Kenobi said appropriately. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be slutty."

That seemed reasonable. Obi-Wan Kenobi went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever. He made Obi-Wan Kenobi's vagina feel all gay.

"You see?" Darth Vader said stupidly and Obi-Wan Kenobi saw. So they made the beast with three backs.

Everybody's presents were late.


End file.
